Rebecca Jean-Carroll: Archive

I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”

So many times I’ve asked myself if maybe I could have had some of the things I’ve wanted if I hadn’t been too afraid to basically be laughed at… What harm truly comes from being rejected by someone you’ll never have to see again?

I’ll tell you… Being rejected by that certain somebody in that certain moment is a sure certainty you never were and probably never will be good enough for it. That’s just the outside we’re talking here! Just to look at you and they’re sure they needn’t take the time to see if you get any better inside. They don’t care if really you’re probably just as funny, just as smart and just as human as they are.

Being rejected says a little something about you that you don’t really want to hear; you’re too weird or too not like everyone else. This is no argument for my being the single most unique person anyone could ever wish to meet, after all we all hold such an opinion of ourselves really, no this is a simple observation that I don’t tend to live life as easily as others do and that makes things somewhat complicated rather than unique.

I get nervous really easily, I blush at the slightest hint of embarrassment, I never say the right thing at the right time. I could probably write better but even that’s no guarantee; in fact writing merely leads me into that dark pit of over-explaining and randomness. None of which ever comes across as charming or witty; just a mess of words from a girl who suffers a simple affection for someone who no doubt would make me see my life an entirely different way!

Reasons of practicality (I don’t know him) and that pathetic sense of fear that consumes me when the opportunity arises will likely prevent me from ever knowing if he might have taken a little time to know the terrified me vs the normal me? Then what if he did and still wasn’t satisfied? Would it be better to have been rejected for the simplicities of the aesthetic rather to have been cast aside for the complexities of your nature?

Or would it be better to slip backwards into that bright dark world of your imagination where you still have a hope and every day he doesn’t magically seek you out for his own is his great loss indeed? People are quick to use that expression; it’s his loss. Problem is out of the two of us it’s only me who feels it…

Dec 29, 2011